Abundantly Alive in Christ

as i watch podcasts and listen to intelligent and wise people speak, i try to pay attention and study the trajectory of what they say in order to learn the rhythm and patterns of how intelligent neurotypicals think, in particular the way their cognitive processes run as they speak. In doing so, i’m trying to learn how to imitate them. But I also know that trying to perfectly imitate someone else is not wise since I am unique in my own way of cognitive architecture and the way i think. And I have found out, in my observations, that other people (neurotypicals, presumably) think extremely differently compared to my own way of thinking. There seems to be a kind of controlled chaotic movements between depth of thought as well as breadth of topics, which I find impossible to imitate in my own mind. My thinking is often either extremely conscious and linear but lacking breadth (cannot jump from 1 topic to another) or extremely intuitive/creative and can jump from topic to topic but lack depth. When I am in my intuitive “system 1” style thinking, i am unable to speak (because my thoughts jump so quickly i don’t have the words to ground them in). The result of this is that when I actually do speak in real time conversation with others, I am stuck in my system 2 slow linear thinking style which is one that is very very shallow and inflexible, which I know makes me look and sound stupid because it is with my intuitive mind that I feel most intelligent.